hey everyone! i'm back, woke up feeling awful again today so i stayed in and played games allllll day. like im not even kidding from 9am until 6pm (right now). i told myself i was going to be productive and do a maths paper and other stuff and i fucking lied i've done jack shit. but i got to nearly 100% in snezhnaya like i said i was going to and spent hours and hours farming for odette (im still at 73 pity and havent got her but i needed a break from games before my brain melted out of my ears) so im going to try again tomorrow. ive started waking up earlier again so im definitely getting the most out of my last week of the holidays! im still nervous to go to the beach with my friends on saturday (even though i was the one who fucking suggested it) but i never cancel on my friends so i won't this time bc i know ill feel even more like shit all day if i dont. i'll just see how i feel on the day. i know i should definitely journal again, but i really dont want to. honestly i might just go do that out of pure boredom / will not to study... ill do my tassomai Ok. thats it. fml i need to die right now

HEY GUYS !!!! im ignoring my journal today so this is the place i come to when i know i need to write but i dont want to think too deeply. everything's been going good still! i got my haircut and i actually feel like a real person. i spent an hour in the sea this morning just floating around (i cant swim) and went out for breakfast with my mum before that. my jax blind box i ordered over 2 months ago now finally came through and i love her so dearly. i am downloading warhammer 40k space marine at some point when i can figure out what files to download and where does what and whatever because im shit at pirating video games. my ex best friend who bullied me for 8 years keeps messaging me on genshin and on whatsapp but im too scared to block her because i have to see her every day at school. school is in a week and a half and im terrified because i look so different. i know it isnt half as big a deal to everyone else as it is to me and im trying to remind myself that ive been through worse and i can do this but its just difficult. i want to come out to my friends and loved ones but i'm terrified they'll see me differently. i know that if they're real friends they won't care and will still see me the same and the 4 people ive come out to so far have all taken it far better than i expected but its still terrifying to me because i solidified such an image for myself that im scared its all people will ever see me for and that thats all they want me for too. im on good terms again (they were never aware we weren't but in my head they hated me and wanted me to die) with my best friend so thats amazing. im in that weird stage before getting super obsessed with someone where i can feel it coming but don't know what to do about it except for isolate myself and not talk to them whatsoever for fear of them leaving first so im not really sure what to do there, but im trying so hard to handle it better this time. i dont know. i've been listening to florence & the machine all day and enjoying the time i have with my family. oh also my family cut off the woman who emotionally abused me for half my life so thats some pretty good news too. some more good news is that my therapist is coming back after being on maternity leave since the end of february. shes coming back part time (every other week instead of every week), her sessions have gone up in price so its going to cause my family some money problems which i feel really really bad about but they said its ok and honestly i need it. her sessions will also be video calls so i cant tell her the vast majority of what i want to tell her until january when she comes back full time, so that's going to suck, but i'll find a way around it hopefully. i love my girlfriend and i cant stop thinking about her (nothing new there) but im always terrified im not expressing it adequately enough. i feel so much it turns to nothing when i try and face it fully and that's terrifying to me too. everything is terrifying always but i will continue to face it. i read a quote today that said the fastest way to become you is to do things that scare you even if you dont feel ready and it really changed something in my head. i asked two of my close friends who i havent told about being trans to go to the beach and im not going to wear makeup and going to dress how i want and have my hair short and i know i shouldn't be scared of looking different around people i love dearly and would do anything for but im still scared. i am always scared but ill do it anyway because i know if i dont do it now when im in a good point in my life then i'll never do it. do it scared or die!!!!!!!!! maybe i did my journal today. alright. overshare OVER i'm going to go play games and forget about this

good evening! holy wow, it doesn't feel like over a week since i last wrote on here. today is my last day with blue hair!!!!!!!! i loved having my blue hair so much, and it really changed something for me. i'm definitely going to get it again next summer. i'm also getting a different haircut in the next few weeks, which i'm super excited for. my 1998 stan plush came today, too! i only ordered him the other day, and he's already here! i love him so much, he's sitting on my desk right now.

this summer has been great. this august has been particularly great. i haven't done huge amounts, and a lot of my bigger plans got cancelled, but this summer has been one of my best for me. there's been so much self discovery and i've connected with myself more than i ever have, and i genuinely feel somewhat peaceful these days. i've spent most of the time in my room, to be honest, journalling, watching cartoons and movies, reading, playing games, coding, writing, and going on small solo quests and hanging out with my friends and family ever so often, and it's been so peaceful and good for me to get away from everything and to come back to myself. i've learnt a lot about everything around me this summer, and that was the goal!

one thing i've been practising a lot this summer is consistency. it's something i've always struggled with, as i'm quite a lazy person in truth and struggle with my mental health which both blocks me from being consistent with certain things, and which i also use an excuse to myself at times to let myself not do certain things i know i probably should. i've gotten a lot better at it during this summer, through this website, through journalling, through taking care of myself and communicating (somewhat) with others, through engaging in more media outside of my comfort zone and reconnecting with old things and parts of myself that i need consistency to uphold, and it's been going really well for me, better than it ever has been. i know the real test is when i go back to school if i can keep being consistent then, but this time, with how consistent i've been through the summer, i'm confident i'll be able to do it if i keep this mindset up through the school year. but i'm going to enjoy the time i do have for the rest of this summer, and focus on that instead.

good night friends!

gooood morning everyone! it's been 11 days already since i last wrote in here, wow! so, i've been doing a fair bit better in this past week and a half. all our plans got back on track again, so i've been very busy, and it's my sibling's birthday today too! hooray!!! happy birthday bro, i love you so much!!!!!!

things have actually been looking up for me quite a lot. i haven't been journalling every day as i don't always have time, but i've been consistent the best i can, and it's been serving me really well, actually. i wanted to do something on here before i go journal (because everyone is having a nap right now) so i thought i'd just come here and update first quickly. i've started reading and writing consistently though, and have started listening to audiobooks consistently too. i'm going to update the media page for book reviews because i've got them all sitting in my notes app right now. i also downloaded substack (again) and started using it semi-properly this time, a year later, so that's been helping too. it's nice to see that there are other people who love writing and reading as much as i do, and i want to become more well versed and knowledgeable on these things, so that's definitely helping. i've still been nervous about school, but i've been trying to focus on enjoying the time i have instead of fussing over school, but i am going to start revising about 2 or 3 weeks before i go back, just so i can be somewhat prepared and in the swing of things. (plus, i went on my school account for some emails yesterday and found i had like 3 emails about computer science and maths homework, so i need to work on that. my teacher said to do some coding over the holidays, and i definitely have been! just not in python. whatever.)

oh, and i also picked up my spacehey again and updated it fully! i have so many friends on there and people who i actually really like talking to and learning about, and it makes me so happy to have a little community. i love my computer friends!!!!!!!!!!

as for what i've been doing recently, i went to brighton and went charity shopping and to a greek restaurant for lunch (the halloumi was AWESOME), went bowling (i won the second game) and played laser tag (we got a tesco meal deal after and it was AMAZING), found out my psychiatrist was retiring (WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!), went to an outdoor film (zootopia my beloved <3), hung out with a friend who i've really really wanted to talk to more but was too scared to and it was so fun!, anddddd saw my beautiful wife and made cupcakes with her!!!!!!!!! they were SO GOOD and it was SO FUN. we listened to south park songs and ate the icing and spent nearly 10 pounds on sprinkles AND IT WAS SO FUN. AND SHE ALSO GOT ME THIS KIKI KEYCHAIN PLUSHIE AND I WAS AND AM SO HAPPY HES SO BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE HIM SO SO SOS O SO MUCH I'VE BEEN BRINGING HIM EVERYWHERE. I'M GOING TO MAKE A PLUSHIE PAGE AND HE'S GOING TO GO ON THE TOP OF IT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IVE BEEN TAKING SO MANY PHOTOS OF HIMI LOVE HIMSO MUCHG THANK YOU WIFEY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO SNEZHNAYA CAME OUT. ITS SO GOOD. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. ITS SO BEAUTIFUL I LOVE ODETTE I LOVE VODYANITSA I LOVE ALYOSHA I LOVE ALL OF THE CHARACTERS IM MAKING BLINKIES OF THEM AS WE SPEAK THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL AND COOL AND UOGHUTAHYTG UI LOVE SNEZHNAYA. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR IT FOR SO LONG AND I LOVE IT. I LOVE I I LOVE IT I LOVE SNEZHNAYA. BEST REGION AMAZING MUSIC AMAZING STATUES OF THE SEVEN AMAZING OCULUS. ALSO IM CROWNINGMY FLINS AND I LOST MY 5050 FOR ODETTE AND GOT C1 MONA AND I WANTED TO KMS BUT ITS WHATEVER. i love snezhnaya i love genshin

oh also i have some photos! that i will put below! but yeah my week and a half has been awesome. i'm doing great and i love my life. things aren't perfect but they're good and that's all i want! good luck everyone!

good afternoon! we were supposed to be going to london today, but the trains are all fucked, so im at home again. we had to cancel plans yesterday and the day before, too. this week is not going well for us. but its whatever!

i started journalling seriously again, like i've been meaning to since february, but i figured since its the summer holidays and i just got out of another really bad depressive episode that i should probably start now, seeing as i have ample time and a lot i need to talk about in a way that isn't just cryptic venting on tumblr or here. so that's been going well, and its only been a day but i already feel better for it. i plan to keep this up for all of august, and then see how i feel after. i know i'll probably want to continue, but im holding my horses so as not to overestimate myself just yet.

i've been playing a lot of genshin impact recently, seeing as snezhnaya is coming out and i want to save up and clear off my quests because i've gotten really lazy on them and haven't played many consistently in a long time, and i forgot how fun it was to just play games for the sake of playing them without having some kind of end goal, like getting currency or characters. i know its a small thing, but paying attention to small things like that and doing things for the sake of doing them has really made a difference to me enjoying things as of late, especially now that i have time outside of school life and work. i actually found out from a friend that apparently someone who just left in year 11 always thought i was really cool, so that made me happy. ive been feeling nauseous and uneasy recently because of school even though its the holidays, and i just have to keep reminding myself that i have over a month and that i need to live in the moment, take things day by day instead of fussing over something that's a while away yet. it's my one time of year where i don't need to worry about school whatsoever, so i'm trying to get used to it still, even if it's already been 3 weeks. i think living slower and reminding yourself where you're at is something we should all consciously focus on a little more.

also, i tidied my room! i used to be really good at tidying regularly and sticking to routines, but over time i've gotten progressively worse at it. but i tidied my dresser, cleared out lots of stuff i'd been hoarding and did up my corkboard, and im planning on sorting out my closet later this week. i also redid my notion! i've been using notion for years and used to spend aaaages organising it, but now i keep things much simpler, especially now that i have this website. i love both of them equally, but some things i need to keep private. i think we should all be a little more private with our lives, and im the one with the tumblr blog and the website i overshare on every other day. but i have been getting better at it!

i am so extremely tired today, but i'm persevering. i just needed to ramble about nothing here for a bit so i can procrastinate making other pages for this site. i'm going to go do that now, or play genshin impact and download 3 other games i've been putting off. also i need to play hsr and shadow of mordor and there are SO MANY GAMES okay bye!

good evening! im feeling a little better today! i think i was just being dramatic yesterday. i woke up and felt awful but that was because my earring had fucked itself up bc i hadnt been taking care of it properly, but we went to the piercer and she said that it was the heat and sleeping on it that had caused it, so it wasnt even me and i was just losing my mind. she was so sweet about it too and i had a whole temper tantrum on tumblr in the morning about it when in reality it was never that big of a deal, so maybe i should take that as a general lesson.

anyway, after that, me and my family went out and had a little picnic, which was lovely, actually! it was much more fun than i expected (not that i expected it to be bad, its just usually a lot more stressful) and it was very sweet. then we came home and it was so ridiculously hot so ive been sat at my computer fanning myself for a few hours now. i've also continued working on my project like i told myself i was going to do over the summer, because we're nearly three weeks in and i have still barely done any work on it, so im proud of myself for that too.

HELLO!!!!!!!! it's 7pm now and i got completely distracted from writing this. i've had an idea fora complete revamp online and in real life and it's coming together in my head i can FEEL it. the moment i get money next friday i am going to be UNSTOPPABLE. i am SO EXCITED and i am SO HAPPY I ERSUIRJGHZUIGHRTGGYTGJJGJSRGJLKSGUIJJGEJKM I LOVE EVERRYONE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO EXCITED

good mooorning last day of july already! its 2pm right now (i know thats not the morning but i thought it was still 10am until a few seconds ago, so im not changing it) and i swear i just opened my computer 30 minutes ago. turns out its been 3 hours already, and i was supposed to be journalling instead of working on the site. whatever

good morning! i can't believe it's been 6 days since i wrote in here already. i wanted to make this a regular thing, seeing as i've been meaning to journal consistently for a long time (again... i can't count how many times ive had this goal) and this is a good start. but whatever!

good evening! once again, i am writing from the test pen. yes, i've been procrastinating this page because i've been busy working on others. BUT! it should be done by tonight! yay! and i'll finally be able to publish it. it's nearly 9pm, and i need to get early tomorrow, but i'm sure i'll be able to do it. (lying through my teeth)(it's fine! i can do it!)(probably)

so, today was alright. actually it was really really good. i didn't do much, but i actually felt good about myself today, which is a rare occurence these days. i responded to my friends and my wonderful girlfriend, and made plans with one of my close friends for tomorrow, and am headed to my mum's friends house tomorrow morning to pick up some stuff for my mum. i also responded to some of my mutuals and online friends and have been getting a lot of compliments online recently, which always makes me very happy. i say i'm grateful so much that i'm scared people sometimes begin to think that i'm being insincere, but i truly do just mean it and feel that way a lot. i'm really grateful for every compliment i get, regardless on what it is, big or small, and for every good thing in my life, really, but that's a larger discussion that we do not have time for tonight. maybe one day. but yeah, thank you!

so today, i stayed in my house for the first part of the day, worked on the site and played some games, did some more organisation on my phone and computer, and whatever else i manage to do on my phone for hours on end. i've been on a roll with organising and tidying my digital environment recently, like i cleared out my camera roll, have been obsessed with my website, sorted out my pinterest (it's nearly done, just a few more sections to make on like two more of my boards), spotify, and youtube, and i've been remodelling and rebranding to fit with my identity these days. in the past i kind of stuck to a very rigid online image, and it kind of turned into something i didn't want it to and i ended up thinking it was a lot more important than it actually was, when really, nothing happened when i changed. i hope it goes like that for real life, too.

after that, i responded to everyone, and then got dressed and ready to go up to the shops with my parents. drastic diversion here but i've had struggles with how i look since as far back as i can remember, and it's been all the worse recently, so it's always a struggle for me to go out without showing a lot of skin or wearing lots of makeup. i previously leaned into a very strong, almost overexaggerated picture of femininity to try and conceal certain things about myself, and that's definitely only exacerbated those body image issues now that i've finally semi-come to terms with the fact that is just not me, and never will be. all this to say that i went out without makeup and wearing the most annoyingly boyish outfit i could come up with, and still felt good about myself, which is a huge thing for me. i felt genuinely good about myself, rather than my appearance, and didn't feel like i was faking something for the first time in a long time. the knot in my shoulders was a little less and the sickness in my stomach whenever i leave the house wasn't half as overwhelming as it usually is when i take the first steps outside, and that was huge for me. so yeah, i had a nice time outside today. oh also i got a pistachio donut from m&s bakery and some pastries for tomorrow's breakfast from tesco mmhgfhnnghhhhh

all in all, today was a good day! i've been coding and listening to will wood for the past few hours like i have done the few nights before this, except i won't be able to stay up super late tonight because i have things to do tomorrow. ALSO THERE'S A BLYTHE DOLL IN A CHARITY SHOP IN THE TOWN OVER WHERE I'M MEETING MY FRIEND TOMORROW AND IM GOING TO GO BUY IT AS SOON AS MY EYES ARE OPEN. I'LL POST PHOTOS OF HER HERE TOMORROW!!!!!! IM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!! GOOD NIGHT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

good evening again! if anyone is reading this, then i hope you're doing well. so, i finished my about me page earlier today! i've had so many ideas that all i've done is code for the past few days. i do definitely need to get back to my other hobbies and projects and take this a little slower, but i'm having fun, so it's probably fine.

i stayed up until 2am last night, which is the longest i've stayed up in ages. i watched like 2 seasons of rick and morty and had a bunch of snacks and made little web graphics and it was actually some of the most fun i've had in ages, i fucking loved it man. i've been listening to will wood and coding for the past few hours, and i'm probably going to do a similar thing as yesterday for the rest of the night. i'm not really busy tomorrow, either, so, i'll probably do the same as i did today. i love the summer holidays!

good evening and hello world! first entry here wow! i'm writing this from the comfort of The Css Test Pen! i've had this set up for a few days now, but i prefer for things to be fully polished before i publish things (most of the time), so it's just been kinda rotting here. it's nearly done though, i just need to work on the about me page and finish that first. it's nearly done though! i should have it done in the next few days!!!

anyway, i just got home from london! me and my mum went to camden and around london, and it was so fun dude. we went around the market and to the record fair, got some magazines and posters and had a snoop around the vinyls too (not many good ones unfortunately, but a huge selection!) and got some free chicken from people handing it out to us as we walked past. it was actually really nice

after that, we were going to go to babylon park bc we didnt know what it was and thought it was like. a big theme park thing indoors like we saw online. no we got there and it was for little babies. um. it was so cool though it was adorable i would have fucking loved it there when i was younger. if i wasnt so shy i would have been one of those annoying loud little kids at theme parks and arcades who go on literally everything and win somehow. luckily ive still got time to do that now!

so we headed back to london after that, and went around the shops for a few hours. we went to disney store, hamleys, and some of the other high street shops around and just had a nice walk and a nice chat, and it was awesome. i love my mum. fucking fire day out i loved it!!!!!!